Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Do I feel safe?

Now that I started this blog...I actually think of so many things to put on it!! There was an episode last night...driving to work this morning...what happened during my day....etc

So I guess I will just write what I am thinking about right now. I am thinking about a song sung by Pink. Now I am not especially proud that I know the lyrics to her songs but the episode last night triggered it.

For some reason- we can blame it on being female...I had a good cry last night. It was a deep sobbing kind of cry. Curled up in the fetal position on the floor kind of cry. Compared to my last post you may seem surprised that I can succumb to such behaviour. Believe me it doesn't happen often- that is God's blessing on my husband! After figuring out he was not the cause of my breakdown he gently tried to pull out what was wrong. He let me garble out some silly phrases...choke out a few answers to his questions..and then he figured me out. "Babe" he said- "Do you feel safe?"

Now I have always thought of my husband as insightful but this took the cake. He hit my issue on the head. I was not feeling safe at the moment. And you know what I was afraid of....myself. I was feeling small, insignificant, insecure. For no apparent reason but a multiple of them at the same time. Does this ever happen to you? Life just kind of overhwhelms you?

There is nothing stopping me from reaching my goals, I have a great life. I have a great husband and yet the thing I fear the most is myself. I fear falling flat on my face and not having the strength to stand up. I fear going down a wrong path and not realizing it. But what a fog of smoke and mirrors. God is here with me...holding my hand. Not only does he protect me from evil out there....he will protect me from myself. His spirit in me will keep my mind and heart.

So today I put on my power suit, drank my starbucks and accepted my promotion with all the strength and dignity I really wasn't feeling. Thank God for his protection, protection from ourselves.

"Every day I fight a war against the mirror- Im a hazard to myself. Dont let me get me, I'm my own worst enemy"

Monday, September 29, 2008

Why the name?

My first question if a friend of mine started blogging would be "Why the Name".... well I am glad you asked!

One of my main goals in life is to write a book and speak at Women's conferences. I have such a passion for Christian Women. We need mentoring, leadership skills, help with our relationships and careers. Sometimes I feel so stagnant as a woman I could scream. Typical women's ministry consists of tea parties, bake sales, book clubs and social dinners... (this is a generalization but I think you know it to be true).

I was reading today about the 50 most powerful women by Fortune magazine. I would love to meet some of them and ask how they made it so far. Are they Christians? Did they have to sacrifice their morality for that power? I am young and hopeful enough to hope and pray that not all of them did. I am strong enough to believe that you can keep your dignity and be a women leader...

But I slightly digress. Back to the point of my blog title....

Growing up there was one name that was like poison cast upon my young girlish heart...Eve. Her name brought fear and shame upon me. That wicked woman with the apple- responsible for all our sin and pain. She was the cause of it all. Women can't be trusted, women have evil ingrained in their very being. Her husband couldn't rely on her. God couldn't rely on her.

How my heart broke with Eve's burden. How she messed it up for us all! But I could never hate her, no I pitied her. Knowing how emotional God created us, how sensitive we are- she must have felt and grieved for what she had done like none of us have ever suffered. She went from perfect union with her husband. She had a perfect relationship with God. She knew what it was supposed to be like and then- when it wasn't. That was seriously lower than your worst PMS day ladies....

Especially as a young girl I was burdened with how God viewed Eve. Was I cloaked with an extra coat of shame because I was born a woman? I felt like my life was dictated by the fact that somehow I was more evil, less intelligent and destined for failure because of my sex.

Many things have brought me from this mindset...but one important light bulb, God moment stands out. You may have heard sermons preached on this point...but personally I never have. That moment is when Jesus arose. Now not in the Easter version "Up from the Grave He Arose" type of viewpoint. But after he arose.....the first person to see him....a woman.

Somehow it seems like a restoration. Eve brought sin first into the world, but Mary was first to see salvation from it. Eve experienced the first seperation from God, Mary experienced the first restoration of our relationship with God.

And so the name of my Blog. Being a woman is a beautiful thing. God created me. He knows me. He forgives me. He restored me. I can be proud that Eve was the mother of us all... and I am her daughter.