Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Do I feel safe?

Now that I started this blog...I actually think of so many things to put on it!! There was an episode last night...driving to work this morning...what happened during my day....etc

So I guess I will just write what I am thinking about right now. I am thinking about a song sung by Pink. Now I am not especially proud that I know the lyrics to her songs but the episode last night triggered it.

For some reason- we can blame it on being female...I had a good cry last night. It was a deep sobbing kind of cry. Curled up in the fetal position on the floor kind of cry. Compared to my last post you may seem surprised that I can succumb to such behaviour. Believe me it doesn't happen often- that is God's blessing on my husband! After figuring out he was not the cause of my breakdown he gently tried to pull out what was wrong. He let me garble out some silly phrases...choke out a few answers to his questions..and then he figured me out. "Babe" he said- "Do you feel safe?"

Now I have always thought of my husband as insightful but this took the cake. He hit my issue on the head. I was not feeling safe at the moment. And you know what I was afraid of....myself. I was feeling small, insignificant, insecure. For no apparent reason but a multiple of them at the same time. Does this ever happen to you? Life just kind of overhwhelms you?

There is nothing stopping me from reaching my goals, I have a great life. I have a great husband and yet the thing I fear the most is myself. I fear falling flat on my face and not having the strength to stand up. I fear going down a wrong path and not realizing it. But what a fog of smoke and mirrors. God is here with me...holding my hand. Not only does he protect me from evil out there....he will protect me from myself. His spirit in me will keep my mind and heart.

So today I put on my power suit, drank my starbucks and accepted my promotion with all the strength and dignity I really wasn't feeling. Thank God for his protection, protection from ourselves.

"Every day I fight a war against the mirror- Im a hazard to myself. Dont let me get me, I'm my own worst enemy"

1 comment:

Life as I know it said...

Usually Jada's the one to ask me the question and given that I'd have a heart attack if she really did ask me, I just have to read it in her eyes. :) I've often wondered what people would think of me if they saw me outside my "power suit" and as the sometimes scared, apprehensive person I sometimes am.